How to Discover and Maintain Effortless Excitement in Your Relationships
What if relationships are supposed to be effortless and exciting most of the time?
What if anytime a relationship doesn’t feel effortless or exciting it’s simply because some stuff has gotten in the way of how it’s supposed to be? And what if we could quickly and easily discover what the stuff was and let it go anytime a relationship was feeling less than effortless and exciting?
What if the higher purpose of relationships was to make this stuff easier to let go?
There are only two things that go into creating any problem or challenge in a relationship:
Each individual’s definition of themselves and
The definitions of each person’s role in the relationship
Each individual’s definition of themselves is simply how each person answers the question: Who am I in life?
The definition of each person’s role in the relationship is simply how each person answers the question: Who am I in this relationship?
A problem or challenge in a relationship happens anytime these two things don’t match up, for one or both people. Effortless excitement is a result of when these two things do match up. In other words, what we want is for who we are in the relationship to match up with who we want to be in life.
A problem in a relationship is when one or both people think: The definition of their role in the relationship might limit their definition of themselves. In other words a problem in a relationship is when one or both people think: Who I have to be in this relationship might limit who I want to be in life.
Effortless excitement happens in a relationship when the definition of the roles in the relationship do not limit or even better, enhance both people’s definitions of themselves. Effortless excitement happens in a relationship when both people think: Who I get to be in this relationship is helping me be more of who I want to be in life.
You can use these four simple steps to discover and let go of what’s in the way of the effortless excitement in your relationships.
Step 1: Discover what they are doing to create or add to the problem.
Answer this question: “What are they doing that is causing or adding to the problem?”
Step 2: Discover the role you think they are wanting or expecting you to play in the relationship because of what they are doing.
Answer this question: Who do you think they are wanting or expecting you to be in the relationship because of what they are doing?
Step 3: Discover how this doesn’t match up with who you want to be.
Answer this question: How do you think who they are wanting or expecting you to be in the relationship might limit who you want to be in life?
Step 4: Discover and implement new definitions. You can do this step with the other person or by yourself.
A) First take the opportunity to re evaluate who you want to be in life. Often times a problem in a relationship can be one of your greatest tools in discovering even better versions of how to define yourself.
Answer the question: If things were perfect, how would I most want to be in life? What qualities would I have or still have?
B) Then take the opportunity to discover the best definition for your role in the relationship that best lines up with your definition of yourself.
Answer the questions: What’s the most exciting role you can play in this relationship now that will guarantee you being (all the qualities you listed in question A)? Who do I most want to be in this relationship now?
What if the highest purpose of relationships is for us to experience more and more of our greatest selves and more and more of our greatest excitement? What if the job of challenges or problems in relationships is to bring out the stuff that is in the way of us experiencing our greatest selves and make it clear enough to more easily let it go so we can experience even more of the effortless excitement and joy that is who we are?
What if the people we are in relationships with are our greatest allies in this happening and we are theirs simply be being ourselves?
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